nameless; I'd Give Up Forever to Touch You

It's a very cryptic lyric for the homosexual survivor of a boyfriends suicide--"I'd give up forever to touch you..." I watched the funeral services for my deceased friend/lover; I remember feeling like I didn't know the person that they were presenting. Which very well could be; I only knew Lester that last three years of his life.  "Iris" from the Goo Goo Dolls was one of the many songs that Lester kept on repeat; He didn't consume music at a very fast rate. The song is sad enough as it is without any external circumstances rendering it so. The line that says, "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand." I wonder if Lester related with that line specifically. It one of those things that makes you think to yourself, "Were you digging this song because you were going to kill yourself?" It's another one of those questions about this whole situation that will never be answered.

 

Sex

It's been over a week since he's been gone. It seems that things that have been absent due to the shock of the matter have begun to return. Earlier this week, I was unable to listen to music; now I can. Earlier this week getting an erection would have been almost impossibly. Look like my plumbing is beginning to flow correctly again, and the subduing of my hormones has ended.

Although one could see this as a sign of my healing, and/or moving on, I'm not excited about this one. How long until the urge to have sex with another man is too strong again. What am I going to do then? Wrap myself up in another homosexual relationship that is just as unrighteous as my previous one, or begin some life of celibacy or--again--venture towards a heterosexual relationship.

Either way my plumbing is back on, and if you're a 20-something year old like I am--single--then the plight of abstinence is quite the difficult one indeed.

My Masculinity

"To be a man you must be swift as the ________ ________" I've been living on my own now for a year now. The things I would tell my August of 2012 self.

Living on your own changes you. I was in a relationship of long distance, with a girl who I began to fall in love with; however, because of such distances my body craved things that were in arms length.

At that point I was seeing a friend regularly for beers, and marijuana. To follow would be the strangest of fruit, but the most common of spheres: we began to have sex with each other--he & I. I guess it would t have been as bad of a gig if I weren't courting with the missionaries out eastwards. That was the game I played, shamefully, and unable to look either of my lover's by the eye.

So now I'm calling King's Horse, and calling King's Men; they came, and then He came.

This morning I'm going to sit on the alter, and offer up my talent as a gift of perfume--at least that's how the orthodox Christian would say it; I preferable think of it as flashing my skill as to attract that cute guy in the audience.

That cute guy is God.

It's Sunday Morning

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The Truth About My Lord

I know that my faith is deeper than just the surface whenever I hear the truth--from the perspective of a non-believer---because I'm personally offended usually. Since my return to faith in the late aughties, I have often found myself watching out for the next big faith movement, or the latest debunking of Christianity. I like to stay informed of what people believe about my Lord, and with the roots of my indoctrination thriving, I brace; I brace to see how believable the "truth" really is.

Then, I sigh, hold my head low, and ponder how someone passionately devotes their life to promote a belief; however, this strand of belief is but often defensive overtones of anti-Christianity at their true core, and their root cause is never fully understood.

I wonder, "Why would someone hate Jesus so much--on purpose?" Scripture says that acts of sin and disobedience really say how you feel about The Lord. I can't help but demonstrate my distaste for his ways just by my actions alone as a sinful creature, but because of Jesus' impact on society ( let alone my intangible self ) I am free to love The God of the Jewish faith as my own;

For he is the most high.

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Behind the Mask a Little

I want to move out closer to the church, further from Humble. I want to work hard at this job because I believe that this was a good move. I want to rent an apartment above someone's garage, tithe my talent to the Lord, and then go home, write about it, and start having that two way radio conversation that me and Our Lord had back in two-thousand and seven; picked fresh from the tree, and enough for canning.

Oil

It drives me crazy whenever people have objections to oil brands. Not because I think they are wrong in their objection to a product, but because the reality is that they are only sold on a brand; the average consumer rarely does any legitimate research on the scientific evidence of whether or not a petroleum product is good for their vehicle.

"Louisiana" or "Acadiana; it was washed away"

20130430-081753.jpg I've seen so many people while I've been here over the past day. It was my original plan to leave late last night, but after waking up at 6:30 pm on Sunday, only to drive to Louisiana, and spend the entire dark morning hours with my Grandmother; followed by a complete day of visiting everyone I could possibly could here--I was done for come time night fall on Monday.

I was wondering how long it would take before this new perspective of forgiveness and grace for the Cajun Country would stretch to before the fine--yet strong--threads would begin to pop under the tension.

This was the place where the music of "Capaign One;" and "Aquarian Floods" began; This was my home.

Wrapping for Acadiana

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So I've begun prepping my work for Louisiana; I'll be bring many copies of "Campaign One; " with me. I have a lot if thoughts in my head about it, and how my tour of the Acadian Coast should play out, but I'm sure it will be great--however it happens.

I'm packaging my circles in an issue of Mike Kelly's Kingwood Monthly--or as it was known at the time, "This is Kingwood"; I believe it is most appropriate because I was given the opportunity to write an article about Lynn Beckwith, That Car Lady. It was a fun experience.

I will be bring a piece of the Lake Houston Area with me by wrapping them this way. As one could tell, the ad for Shank Wealth Management will clothe my discs beautifully with the same kindness that is offered by their great staff--one of which I have come to know well: Tammy Nigro.

I'll also have digital copies of Aquarian Floods available for sale; conveniently enough, they will stay on my key ring because of the flash drive given to me by my friend Devan Cooper Jackson at CenturyLink in Kingwood.

I'll have more details soon on how to get copies of Campaign One; and Aquarian Floods in Acadian in the next few days!

Vole't

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