It's been a long time since I wrote about him here. Thoughts of him have been normal, and seemingly harmless for a while now.
I guess it all started a some day this past week. I went out to a car to get the pertinent information off of it. I heard a song come on the radio that was part of the collection that mark he and I's time together. There hasn't been a day that has gone by since he died that I haven't thought about him, but my emotions remain in control. Once I heard that song, though, I was stopped in my tracks.
That was only the start. I had some of the most vivid dreams of him on Friday night waking up going into Saturday. I saw him in about three different settings, and unlike most dreams where I've seen him, we actually touched each other. We were in what seemed to be Dylan Oubre's back yard in the mid 90's in the early morning. I asked him if I could touch him, and he said yes. I could see his body, and feel his embrace.
The scean changed and I was brought to an unknown. He was there, but he was disappearing. The song "l'll be" from Edwin McCain was playing. It was like we were singing the lines back and forth to each other.
"I'll be love suicide," he'd say,
"I'll be better when I'm older," I'd say.
Over and over. It made wake up rough. Dreams like that insight the senses, and make you regret waking up... and so I did on Saturday morning. I turned the song on and proceeded to sort through the emotions; I got know where.
I don't know where to start:
Maybe with the part about 'no closure': I think that is something that anyone who's dealt with immediate death deals with, so I'll accept that. I think for the most part I have.
Then there is the part where there is no one else for me to really relate with about him. We didn't have any friends between the two of us. It was just he and I at the end. Any one that knew us only saw us from the outside.
I've experienced death twice since him. but maybe it's because he was the first.
What about love? What about sin? I don't have to make excuses for myself. I knew that whenever he and I were together that we were out of God's will. I knew that I was far away, and that we were drifting out in space together. Weeks before he killed himself, I was struggling to seeks the Lord. I wanted out. There were demons, darkness, and drugs. It was a true 'bad romance'. But he was my friend, he was my confidant.
He was my Lover... It's like I don't want to admit it. It's like I don't want to admit that I miss him. It's like I don't want to remember that we were intimate. To remember these things would be the same as validating sin. So what is my complaint. If he was still here, I would just be trying run from him. If he was still here, we would be using drugs, we would be fighting, we would be living in sin.
My emotions are bleak. My heart is afraid to beat. We were lost in love, and sinking into death. Somehow I escaped it, and he didn't.
Maybe I could sing a sad love song to him. Maybe through him I can see a reason for those poor love songs. Is he worthy of that? Was what he and I shared really worth such reverence? I ashamed to admit that I wish I could wrap the memories of him in melody. I'm ashamed to admit that...
I miss him.