I never know when I’m becoming depressed I only realize it when I’ve been in it for a few days. It usually last for a few days at a time. Sometimes I can just be legitimately sad or upset about something. In reference to what happened about three weeks ago that was completely based off of circumstance.
What’s going on right now though is completely different.
Depression is a pain that is bigger than emotion. It uses emotion to feed itself or maybe more like as a host. It seats itself around idea and concepts and speeds my insecurities into over drive. The part that leads me to believe that it is beyond me just being sad is that I know when it leaves.
When it leaves I can still be sad (or happy) and I can still experience the circumstances that make me upset, but the intensity is not there.
I feel depression in my very being of existence: my body, my heart, my soul… the core of myself. It’s a pain.
It’s not the same as sadness, upset-ness, anger, or any other kind of negative emotion. I think because the word “depression” can be associated with those emotions that people automatically assume that it is something as basic as emotions, but I know that not to be true. People have often said to me (especially in the church) that we have to choose to be happy or sad. Though I believe that to be true, I don’t think that this is an area where that concept applies.
I wonder if it really is a chemical problem in my head.
I wonder if it is part of the spiritual war fare that takes place every day.
It leads me to isolation and lots of sleep.
Sometimes I think it has something to do with the season’s change or the Lunar cycles; other times I have no evidence to support that reasoning. Sometimes I believe that I’m being possessed by a demon; other times I think that I’m just feeling down.
I never really know that I’ve experienced it until I’m at the peak of it. That when I’m usually aware of it enough that I can notice it decreasing. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s going to be gone soon--as long as it follows the standard pattern it always has.
It’s been very bad before… and due to the circumstances of the times I had become suicidal.
I’ve been like this since before you knew me. Since I can remember this has always been part of my life. I celebrate it in the fact that it has in part fueled my artistic striving.
I refuse to be medicated.
I accept this as part of life really. This is one of the things in my life that not everyone gets to feel, so I will count it as a trip to the grand canyon and back in the mean time. I go places that few people get to go…
