One Week From Now

One week from now I'm going into the studio, in the same fashion as I did a year ago about this time. "Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year; I was here." -Gold Dust

I've got a lot of things on my mind this morning, where I'm coming to you live from the front desk of Beckwith's Car Care.

The Competitive Nature of Music

I believe that proficiency is a beautiful thing as far as music is concerned. A very good friend of mine Jaime Malagon--whom I've written about in the past--is a classical purist. He is strict about his own proficiency as it is part of his pedigree. In cases like these, where one is recite the classics, he should be better than most. After all he has to maintain a position as a pianist for whatever institution is paying him.

However, outside of the professional since what about the very essence of music? What about the part of music that is vital to the human condition? Is music really about the flashy introductions and lead in? Or is it that music is only defined as competition that is to be played out on basic access television? And to be recognized as a musician, means that you've participated in one of these TV Shows.

Not that I think that there all bad, or that nothing good come from them. I love me some "Behind These Hazel Eyes."

Anyway

I've been listening to classic country music all day. I think the customers dig it :)

 

Lumps

I believe that the lump that is under my arm hasn't exactly gotten any bigger, or become more painful; I think that I've just become more aware of it. Though I haven't completely ruled out HIV/AIDS, the more and more that I read about it online I think it may not be that--as much as my father would love for it to be. I have a doctors appointment today to find out what's going on. Most resources online chock it up to a bacterial infection. But we'll see what's going on later.

The other day I felt pretty disconnected from the Father, so whenever I cam home from work, I ran a tub of hot water, and watched the Daystar network. I think it is a wonderful thing to let the Word of God just pour into your home--even if you're not really listening. This day, I was listening. There was a black preacher on, and he was making a point about faith in God. He reference the following:

2 Peter 1:2 (AMP)

2 May grace (God’s favor) and peace (which is [a]perfect well-being, all necessary good, all spiritual prosperity, and [b]freedom from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts) be multiplied to you in [the full, personal, [c]precise, and correct] knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

He went on to say that spiritual growth as a Christian is only obtained through the "knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." Also with this he went on to confirm the standard Christian doctrine that we are not saved by our action, but by faith.

In the set up of his teaching he also brought out the concept of "on Earth, as it is in Heaven."

Matthew 6:10 (AMP)

10 Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

The picture that he painted was this; as Christians on Earth we are to rejoice as we walk in faith through the Holy Spirit. As Christ is in Heaven--Glorified as God--we are to be confident in the trials that are given to us. The references were very on point to my life as he said things like, "You shouldn't be depressed because Christ isn't depressed in heaven." He also made a reference to a lump saying, "Don't worry about a lump on Earth, because Jesus isn't worried about a lump in Heaven." I found my lump two days later.

I can't help but believe that there is a greater narrative be told.

obsessions with death

About three days ago I discovered that there was a lump under my armpit. Since then my brain has taken me into a million different processes of how the lump originated. There is the cancer theory, benign cyst, and my dad's favorite--AIDS. 2014 is the year of realizations; last night as I was laying in bed an overwhelming anxiety came over me about death.  It was as if I kept trying to psych myself into the "non-reality" of my mortality. I'm afraid that death will be painful--a wasting away from liver failure, lung cancer, or my dad's favorite--AIDS. But death could also be quick and momentous; a brisk Sunday drive horribly gone wrong, or brain aneurysm stopping me in my tracks.

With that I'm brought to thoughts of legacy, purpose, and performance. If I were to die within the next few moments. What would be left of me?: A website that is loaded with disinformation to promote a perception of myself that may be inaccurate in response to the entire narrative-- Or hours of mediocre piano ramblings.

leg·a·cy

noun \ˈle-gə-sē\

: something (such as property or money) that is received from someone who has died

: something that happened in the past or that comes from someone in the past

 

 

 

Turning Into...

"Whale Oil Beef Hooked." And so I was last night. Falling to my own wants and sins. This was well shaped, Latino, and similarly to nameless. Really that's what I'm looking for; a body that is reminiscent of Nameless; It's a fleeting search. There is usually one or two variables that are off, and it all comes down to the fact that no one else is him.

It's me trying to recreate a deadly concoction that is ultimately lethal upon contact. I learned this lesson last year. Using sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll as conduits for spells and enchantments--ordering principalities and calling on the darkness. It's a shameful act; Something that I didn't even think could happen, or was real. But I believed enough that I'm left guilty, or that my hands are stained red.

Why is this something that I think is worth talking about on such a public form?

Am I seeking approval? Am I boasting? Am I discontent? Is this a moment to protect? Is this kind?

Along with becoming more aware of my own depravity, I'm coming to understand that the information that I make available on these types of outlets may not be helpful to other people's perspective, but even more so, my own perspective of myself.

I'm called to wonder what my life has amounted to over the past five months. It seemed that in the time that I was still with Nameless; that all I wanted to do was please the Lord. I was seeking His way out of the mess that had become of my life, but since Nameless; died I've been in a kamikaze tale spin of sorts.

What have I done for the kingdom? In asking myself this publicly does that mean that I'm really aware of my own debauchery. Words are only words unless they are backed by the actions of an individual.  As if this confession is worthy of forgiveness from a deity.

Nameless; two hours away

Last night as I was going to bed, my heart bled for nameless; As I drifted into dreams I heard from my subconscious, and I saw him in that place. I'd moved some two hours away for college, but he wouldn't be there.  I remember trying to text him, trying to call him, but he was horrible about answering. I kept begging, "please come see me, I'm scared to be here alone." He finally rang me back saying that he had arrived at my location. Only to find that he thought I was still at my apartment in Humble. We were still two hours away from each other, but He'd no idea where I was.

I went off to hide in a closet so that I could be alone, and I met a group of four guys who I would be freind. We kinda became a boy band of sorts.

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Working for the Man -- Or Woman

I find myself, this morning, sitting at the front desk of Beckwith's Car Care. Six months ago I would have said that it was a far stretch for me to come work for Lynn again, but I was given an offer I couldn't refuse. Really, how many people can say that their car repair free, and all they had to do was work Saturdays until their debt is paid off. It's a great opportunity really. My sleep schedule has been completely trashed here lately. Usually if I don't have to go to work on Saturday, I can sleep until three--maybe four o'clock. It's rather unhealthy, and so working for Beckwith's will give me a brake from sleeping... which according to my brother-in-law, isn't a break at all--it's the opposite of a break.

Beckwith's Car Care quite defined my being whenever I first got to Texas. They picked me up off the street, and groomed me to be the worker bee that I am today; for that I am grateful.

Tangled up in Beckwith's blue.2535_10202259108391759_1838518468_n

Nameless; No Longer Counting

"You look like a clown," is what he told me It's too the point now that whenever I dream about nameless; that I've stopped counting them; I've also writing about it every time.

Whenever I was seeing Tim he asked me what would he think about me now that he's gone. Now that he is stripped away from tangible.

At the time the question almost seemed like an insult to my intelligence. But it was actually an insult to my pride. Either way, all of it has been confirmed.

An Apology to The Christmas Tree

I wanted to share this artical that I read today. I tend to be quite prudish around the Holiday Seasons, so with that I will deliver this apology. I'm often most hard on the Pagan Christmas tree theory that is mentioned in the following words. The writer here has a great rebuttle to the argument, and so with it I will rest close this case with the following statement:

"It's just not that important to make an argument about."

Jeremiah 10 and the "Pagan" Christmas Tree

by Dr. Richard P. Bucher

A number or well-meaning readers of the "Origin and Meaning of the Christmas Tree" article have written me with questions or accusations based on Jeremiah 10. These readers state that Jeremiah 10 proves that the Christmas tree is a pagan custom and is forbidden by God. Therefore, they argue, all those who decorate a Christmas tree in their home are sinning in God's sight. This is quite the serious charge. Let us briefly examine Jeremiah 10 and the argument based upon it to see if there is any merit to this argument.

What exactly does Jeremiah 10 say? Below is Jeremiah 10:1-10:

This is what the LORD says: "Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them. 3 For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel. 4 They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter. 5 Like a scarecrow in a melon patch, their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk. Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good." 6 No one is like you, O LORD; you are great, and your name is mighty in power. 7 Who should not revere you, O King of the nations? This is your due. Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms, there is no one like you. 8 They are all senseless and foolish; they are taught by worthless wooden idols. 9 Hammered silver is brought from Tarshish and gold from Uphaz. What the craftsman and goldsmith have made is then dressed in blue and purple-- all made by skilled workers. 10 But the LORD is the true God; he is the living God, the eternal King. When he is angry, the earth trembles; the nations cannot endure his wrath.

The verses that the concerned readers repeatedly cite are 10:2-4: "Do not learn the ways of the nations . . . For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel. 4 They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter." "Aha!" these readers say. "Jeremiah is talking about the Christmas tree!" But closer examination reveals that he certainly is not! First, there is the immediate context of this passage. The very next verse, 10:5, goes on to say, "Like a scarecrow in a melon patch, their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk. Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good." This passage and the passages that follow make it crystal clear that the "decorated tree" that Jeremiah was talking about in 10:3-4, was a tree that was cut down and made into an idol, a very common custom in the ancient world. 10:8-10 also confirms this, where the wooden idols are contrasted with the LORD, who is the true and living God. Keil and Delitsch, the well-respected Old Testament commentary, confirms this interpretation that the trees in question were idols that were then worshiped (C. F. Keil and F. Delitsch, Commentary on the Old Testament, "Jeremiah, Lamentations," vol 8 (Grand Rapids: William B. Eeerdmans Publishing Company, 1980), 196-199). Second, when we search the rest of the Old Testament, we find many other examples of trees being planted, cut down, or carved into idols. One of the most common examples of a tree idol was the Asherah, mentioned often in the Old Testament. Asherah was a pagan goddess that was worshiped throughout the Mediterranean world. She was considered to be the goddess of the sea, the consort of El, and the mother of Baal. She was always represented as a tree or pole, either planted or erected, then decorated. There are many warnings in the Old Testament about the Asherah tree. For example, in Exodus 34:12-14, we read, "Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land where you are going, or they will be a snare among you. 13 Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and cut down their Asherah poles. 14 Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." From a more thorough study we learn that the Asherah idol was sometimes planted (Deut. 16:21; Micah 5:14), sometimes erected at high places (1 Kings 14:23, 2 Kings 17:10), with altars and incense stands next to them where they would be worshiped (In Judges 6:25, Gideon is commanded by God to "Tear down your father's altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it." See also Isaiah 17:8 and Jeremiah 17:2). The Asherah, along with other man-made idols, were often decorated with various cloth hangings (2 Kings 23:7), as well as gold and silver. Isaiah 44:14-19 gives a detailed picture of how a tree was cut down and fashioned into an idol - and the absurdity of it all.

He cut down cedars, or perhaps took a cypress or oak. He let it grow among the trees of the forest, or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow. 15 It is man's fuel for burning; some of it he takes and warms himself, he kindles a fire and bakes bread. But he also fashions a god and worships it; he makes an idol and bows down to it. 16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire; over it he prepares his meal, he roasts his meat and eats his fill. He also warms himself and says, "Ah! I am warm; I see the fire." 17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, "Save me; you are my god." 18 They know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand. 19 No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, "Half of it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and I ate. Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?"

From the foregoing, it is abundantly clear that the "decorated tree" to which Jeremiah 10 refers is an idol, very likely the Asherah. Therefore, it is very superficial Bible interpretation and pure silliness to understand this passage as directly referring to the use of a fir tree for Christmas! If, and I repeat, if those who set up a Christmas tree fall down and worship it as a god or goddess, complete with altars and incense stands, then Jeremiah 10 applies here. Or if someone loves their Christmas tree more than God, then such a thing might also be considered spiritual idolatry. But apart from these exceptions, I think it is abundantly clear that Christians who erect Christmas trees are NOT worshiping them as gods or goddesses, nor are they loving them more than their Savior Jesus Christ. They are simply using the Christmas tree as a fun custom, one that can remind them of Jesus who is the branch of David (Jeremiah 23:5; 33:15), the root of Jesse (Isaiah 11:1). One that can remind them of the tree that led Adam and Eve to sin, but more importantly, the tree on which Christ Jesus died to make atonement for the sins of the whole world (Acts 5:30; Gal. 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24). Christians should know that they can use a Christmas tree with a good conscience. It is unfortunate and wrong when well-meaning Christians call something sin that is not sin, and enslave the consciences of their fellow believers with imaginary sin! Shame on such Christians! Those who continue to believe that the Christmas tree is pagan and sinful, even after having their conscience correctly informed, should not use them. For it is not right to sin against conscience. This is regrettable, however, since there is absolutely nothing wrong with using a Christmas tree. December, 2000

You're Such a Mean Person

"You can be such a disrespectful person..." Jumping from star to star, "Goodbye."

What is there to be said; Despite the circumstances of how people who matter to me feel about my behavior, I think I may have found a muse under all of this.

I don't know when it happened; whenever I became so mean. These twenty-six laps around the sun have shown me many circles, but the most peculiar and tragic of them all is how I become distasteful, disrespectful, and rude to people that I care about.

The pattern is as follows: I befriend, we concentrate, then sometime after this my presence becomes too ripe. Is it that I slowly remove my mask over time, so that they're first impression is purposefully misread in order to buy time, and keep them as a friend as long as possible? How do people burn out on me?

It makes me feel like I should socially caged, so that people would know to keep a certain distance.

It's like whenever you go on a trail ride with horses. If you have a horse that is prone to kick or buck at horses behind him in line, you can tie a ribbon around the horses tail, and people will know why.

blue tv screen light

I'm in the bed right now. Free signal is in my walls, and spouts from my television. Whenever I was a kid, I thought that church TV was really lame, but there really isn't anything else on the magic box that I would let just flow into my house so frivolous. There is something about being locked in your house, during the bleak mid winter, with only the tv on. These words have been on my mind lately.

Church Piano

It seems as if I've been kicked out of my band for the rest of the month. I don't blame them I'm not the most dedicated of members, and ever since nameless; died I've found it harder and harder to give myself over to the church. With the Christmas season in the air, and the requests of the Christmas Cantata, I have been more than vocal about not participating in the ceremonies that the band will be keeping at the church. I haven't exactly been fed up with the church or the band. I'm pretty much over whatever scuffs that I've had with Ryan. Also, I've enjoyed my time with the team since I was demoted--for natural reasons.

With all that said, I'm not very upset about it. There is a issue whenever a musician is not connected to his church. Whenever he is merely just a musician and not a member, then it becomes a job and not a ministry. With the light of knowing that others are compensated for what they do musically, but I'm not, I guess there starts to be weight and value set on things that in the beginning didn't matter.

That's where you start to realize what you're there for in the first place:

"Do I play piano for Patton Village Church because I expect something in return?" or "Do I play piano for Patton Village Church because it is what the Lord called me to do?"

Whenever nameless; and I were still together, I resigned from the church, only to return to them once they called and asked for me to come back. At the time I wasn't in a position to turn down any opportunities from the Lord, so I took it as "word" and went back. Since then my time at the church has made an ass out of me, and I've learned where my breaking points are because of it.

But in honesty, after nameless; died I had no more zeal for Family Freedom Church. I had no interest in hearing what they had to say to me about anything. Not that any of them had done anything wrong, but because of the mere fact that I don't really know them, they don't really know me, and I am in no way in community with these people. This is pretty much based on the factor of distance. None of these things are bad things, but it boils down to that I'm not member of their congregation; I'm just there on assignment.

Perhaps the assignments over. We'll take the rest of December to find that out I guess.