For the past few Fridays, I've been meeting with Elna Myburg for piano lessons. I often find myself impressed with her as a person just as much as I am with her musicality.
Today when I arrived, she had a glass of water with a sprig of herbal infusion in it. She is respectfully one of the classiest people I know.
I didn't get enough sleep last night.
I can have a million reasons why I am the way I am, but it doesn't change the way I am.
Change is more valuable than reason.
"Just stop your crying it's a sign of the times; you look pretty good down here, but you ain't really good."
As an artist, there are time of collection & inventory. Some of that time is seeing the display of imagery around you and interpreting the meaning around it.
As a Christian artist, that interpretation is to only be filtered through the Holy Spirit and Scripture.
Some friends are just like...
My new single "Calling Out Your Name" is now available.
#availableeverywhere
I hope y'all like it ;)
Music so profound that you have to turn it off because of all the feels.
Last night I saw my brother.
I'm not sure who's house we were at, but it was styled like a middle aged person would keep their home in the 90's. It wasn't the 90's.
He came downstairs and was standing in the kitchen in front of a window. The sun was bright behind him; it was what seemed to be 11:30 or Noon. His wife had just bought him a black leather jacket. She was to my right. She gave it to him. He started to put it on, and the jacket looked like it might be too small for him. As he stretched it across his shoulders it seemed to fit him perfect.
"It would look really good with a red t-shirt," I told him. Then I realized that he was wearing a red t-shirt. He stood there in front of me as the red of his shirt became clear. There was a white print on it. He had blue jeans on as well.
I started to explain to him how red looks good to all of us because of how apples are red, and he started to finish my sentence and continued in the conversation and the idea of how humans are predisposed to like red. Our eye contact was long and intentional.
I told him that I wanted to take a picture of him, so I pulled out my Fujifilm Wide Instax camera. Something was wrong with the camera and I had to pull the film cartridge out. There was a picture jammed in the cartridge that seemed like it was taken with a cracked/kaleidoscopic lens. The image had an offset center and red and slotted patterns. It was somewhat like a fractile.
Once the camera was ready, I found I only had one shot left in it. He moved over to the left of where he was standing against a yellow wall in soft white light. He looked really good. My sister came into the shot as if she was going to sneak into the image holding up a peace sign. I immediately got angry with her and anxious because I would only have one opportunity to take the picture, and because I knew I was about to wake up, and that he would be gone.
I just left the studio in Huntsville. I hired Billy Hillman & Hilltrax Studio to do the engineering again. It is always a pleasure to work with him.
This time around I took the liberty of a new strategy in recording. In my previous session, my approach would be to record a bulk of 5 to 13 songs in one live track. Today, using the same amount of time, I recorded one song: "Calling Out Your Name".
I layered the piano first and corrected each imperfection as I encountered them. Then came the voice in its own layer atop the keys. Each foul note was rerecorded as I saw fit. It was so great.
Often times, after recording a session, I would have to correct each cringing moment in my head until I was just used to hearing it. Not this time. I feel like for the first time, I was able to walk aways from a recording project and have complete confidence in the product that was created.
Last night I went to an Audrey Assad performance, and I purchased her two records Inheritance & Fortunate Fall. They were my soundtrack to my travels today. Her artistry last night was an inspiration to my work, and I’m thankful for the way the timeline worked out. I almost rescheduled the recording session.
The new never before track, “Calling Out Your Name”, will be available before the end of March ;)
The latest release from This Intangible Existence, Words & Music, is a compilation album of the artist's previously released remastered original compositions. Terrell Brinlee, the man behind the act, sat down and answered a few questions.
Why did you want to do a compilation album?
“I’ve always been in a state of reimagining these works. Whenever I started recording with Billy Hillman back in 2013, I was doing this: making better recordings of previously recorded material. Recording at Hilltrax Studio, I was able to exhaust my repertoire in a way that I’d never done before. That happened over the course of about three years. Whenever I finished That You Are Mindful of Him, I knew that I wanted to give these songs another shot, and a new sequence to exist in--a final form.”
In previous interviews and essays, you’ve spoken on these songs. Has the narrative has changed at all with the new sequence?
“The concentration for this set-list was to show chronology and progress over a length of time. I wanted to hear 2006 through 2016. These songs have helped to tell my story for so long, and they have defined my artistry. They needed to be cradled together as one story the same way that I was introduced to them. There are four smaller sets within the entire playlist. The first set is a ‘coming of age’ tale, and also renders spiritual exploration in astrotheology. In the second set, Christianity becomes more prominent in the work, though that theme is throughout. The spiritual scope becomes narrow with more Biblical perspective. Thirdly, I talk a lot about accepting who you are as an individual; and lastly, depravity is recognized, and Jesus becomes the only means of salvation.”
Though professing to be a Christian, you talk about dealing with homosexuality. Wouldn’t those seem like two conflicting positions?
“They are. W&M is a great place to tackle this idea, however. The songs articulate this better than my spoken word can. My opinions about it have varied over the past ten years, but ultimately I believe the truth stands for itself. The Bible is clear about homosexuality, so I don’t think I have to quote the book to define that position. Part of my goal is to share my experiences with homosexuality and Jesus, so that if there is anyone else in my situation they might be helped or comforted. No one has a good answer right now for people who want to follow the Lord but have this disposition. Most of the solutions come from outside the LGBT community, and I don’t think people respond to that well. I by no means claim to have the answer, but I think I have something to offer.”
How that’s been received?
“I’ve definitely gotten hate mail. It’s a bit of a hot topic these days, and the LGBT community is gaining a lot of ground politically. It’s difficult to state your case whenever it goes against an entire people group who are seeking social reform in the exact opposite direction you’re going in. You’re basically a defector or a traitor.”
You mention That You Are Mindful of Him, which was released earlier this year. What kind of response did you get from your listeners?
“The record has been an absolute blessing to my musical career. I feel like I gained a lot of listenership because of it. I’ve said it many times before, music about the Gospel is ultimately why I do what I do; I really wanted to do a worship set, and concentrate on more obscure songs; many seem to have taken a liking to it. TYAMOH allowed for me to go back into the studio for W&M, and do all the remastering. With new listenership, I thought the timing was right to reintroduce these songs. I feel like Gospel artists are often looked at as if they are morally perfect; W&M really levels the playing field, and promotes transparency to those listening to my story.”
What happens next for This Intangible Existence?
“I’ve been training with different piano techniques, and playing songs that are out of the norm for my musical vocabulary. I’m really looking to expand my abilities as a musician, and hopefully, my writing will reflect that, as well as my recordings. I’m sure I’m going back into the studio in the earlier part of 2017, but I’m not sure what the result will be. Traditionally I’ve done live set recording, but I would like to branch into more layered productions and create a higher quality product that focuses on one song at a time, rather than a whole set of them. This would leave the door open for later collaboration with other artists.
Words & Music, the new compilation record by This Intangible Existence is now available on iTunes, Google Play, and Spotify, as well as a complete catalog of covers, worship music, and other original works.
Sifting through some images that were shown to me on Timehop, I came across the accompanying pictures. They are from 2011 whenever I first started working on the board, and long before the greater idea was known.
It was a time whenever the board was separate from the idea of circles. It was also a time when I didn't know what circles were all about. The images show a certain naivety about the form. As I recall this was from he last set of Polaroids that I took from The Impossible Project. It was an end of a season in my life.
The images have been added to their chronological spce in the board section of this website.
Tonight, I'm trying to recreate something from a few weeks ago. Same lighting, same screens, and same seating. My time here in this place is coming to a close; I'll be leaving Deerbrook Gardens. I want to make sure I use this time wisely.
Writing has changed a lot for me over the past few months. I used the board to formulate ideas for so long, that I forgot the roots of this craft: The midnight hours, the drifting thoughts, the spontaneity of melody--I forgot about this.
As of late, I've been dealing with thoughts quickly & momentously whenever it comes to milling them into song. Previously, songs would be a hollow void of melody that would be constructed, and then filled with thought and lyric. Tonight, I produced lyric, melody, and feeling all at once. Making decisions on the fly. It takes times. One has to sit, and give themselves to the process of writing.
I stopped using drugs over a year ago, and I was very interested in how my art would change because of this. I'm starting to see those differences now.
Whenever you stand in one place, it's hard to understand what it's like to be in another. Whenever I was writing Bulbs I had no idea what I was going to write about next, or even what it would even sound like. Even further, the music that I began to write immediately following Bulbs has somewhat ceased, or at least, taken back seat to these quickly ejected conclusions of my currents thoughts.
At this point, I'm closer to a new original record than not. I speaks a bit more to the thought of never know what you're going to write about. I thought I had something going, and in reality, something completely different happened. I guess that's a regular part of life.
It's been a long time since I wrote about him here. Thoughts of him have been normal, and seemingly harmless for a while now.
I guess it all started a some day this past week. I went out to a car to get the pertinent information off of it. I heard a song come on the radio that was part of the collection that mark he and I's time together. There hasn't been a day that has gone by since he died that I haven't thought about him, but my emotions remain in control. Once I heard that song, though, I was stopped in my tracks.
That was only the start. I had some of the most vivid dreams of him on Friday night waking up going into Saturday. I saw him in about three different settings, and unlike most dreams where I've seen him, we actually touched each other. We were in what seemed to be Dylan Oubre's back yard in the mid 90's in the early morning. I asked him if I could touch him, and he said yes. I could see his body, and feel his embrace.
The scean changed and I was brought to an unknown. He was there, but he was disappearing. The song "l'll be" from Edwin McCain was playing. It was like we were singing the lines back and forth to each other.
"I'll be love suicide," he'd say,
"I'll be better when I'm older," I'd say.
Over and over. It made wake up rough. Dreams like that insight the senses, and make you regret waking up... and so I did on Saturday morning. I turned the song on and proceeded to sort through the emotions; I got know where.
I don't know where to start:
Maybe with the part about 'no closure': I think that is something that anyone who's dealt with immediate death deals with, so I'll accept that. I think for the most part I have.
Then there is the part where there is no one else for me to really relate with about him. We didn't have any friends between the two of us. It was just he and I at the end. Any one that knew us only saw us from the outside.
I've experienced death twice since him. but maybe it's because he was the first.
What about love? What about sin? I don't have to make excuses for myself. I knew that whenever he and I were together that we were out of God's will. I knew that I was far away, and that we were drifting out in space together. Weeks before he killed himself, I was struggling to seeks the Lord. I wanted out. There were demons, darkness, and drugs. It was a true 'bad romance'. But he was my friend, he was my confidant.
He was my Lover... It's like I don't want to admit it. It's like I don't want to admit that I miss him. It's like I don't want to remember that we were intimate. To remember these things would be the same as validating sin. So what is my complaint. If he was still here, I would just be trying run from him. If he was still here, we would be using drugs, we would be fighting, we would be living in sin.
My emotions are bleak. My heart is afraid to beat. We were lost in love, and sinking into death. Somehow I escaped it, and he didn't.
Maybe I could sing a sad love song to him. Maybe through him I can see a reason for those poor love songs. Is he worthy of that? Was what he and I shared really worth such reverence? I ashamed to admit that I wish I could wrap the memories of him in melody. I'm ashamed to admit that...
I miss him.
Tonight I had my last practice with SAVERCOOL for a while. This year has been very tell for me in what it is I'm doing as a musician and as an artist. With the past few performances with my set, Savercool, and Deondra's set, I've come to know what it is I want and don't want: what is important to me and what's not.
I don't want to play music for people who aren't interested in hearing me. Pretty straight forward idea really. I've played about three or four shows this year where people were genuinely uninterested in the performance (which is to be expected), but what's the point in that? What is the purpose. Why would you waste your time "casting your pearls".
I want to write again, and focus my thoughts and artistic drive towards my craft. I don't feel like I've been able to give myself to that because I'm stretched so thin. Ten years ago when I first wrote "Flamingo Fandango", I had a lot of time to refine that music. I had a lot of spare time to concentrate on recording, and words, and research, and meditating on melodies that my heart was singing. I had more time to give to my instrument in practice. The more I adult, the more I have less time to do the things I love. Not to mention, it's difficult to do your own music whenever you've just spent two hours rehearsing for someone else's project.
I want to continue with the church. That is ultimately the most fulfilling play time I have as a musician. I've met with the Lord with music on many occasion in private, and to meet him like that in a corporate environment is where I find a true purpose; it's something divine. I feel like I've been lying to myself by saying that I want to chase this dream of musical pop star. When I was a child, I wanted that--and a part of me still does--but a bigger part of me want to seek a greater communion with Jesus and the God of the Bible. It's an honor to be a musician in the house of the Lord, and I don't want to take it lightly anymore. I don't want to pretend that it's not the high light of my week. To sing songs of reverence and praise to the Great Architect of the Universe, Jehovah God, and enlist the people in the room with you to join in is chorus is a high calling in my opinion.
In 1998 the church began grooming me musically, for this time of my life. This time I'm going to pursue the path that I was destined to fulfill.
I may play a gig here and there, and I'm definitely going to continue writing and recording music, but now it's standing up for what I believe in: Identifying with my Christian heritage and upbringing.
I started writing this entry because I have had a strange shift in the visual context in which I see myself artistically. The following images show the iconography that is above my piano in my writing place. Like always, this space has somewhat organically arranged itself. Also, Like always, I can see a narrative developing: a theme. This is a bit outside of the realm of the board but in this intangible existence these images exist in the same place. It almost beg to give a different title to the board.
This has always been a sacred place for me.
A digital recreation
My perspective of music changes with every passing year. The older I get the more my understanding of this gift grows deeper: elaborating on the unseen realm that the music exists in.
My latest thoughts today are about Love Songs, and songs that specify a commentary about, or that conversation towards another human. Whether in love or admiration, I'm beginning to find love songs some what of a waste.
Maybe it's because I've never really been in love. I've definitely written songs that were for or towards certain people that I care about, but in this season of writing I'm coming to find this practice a waste.
Almost Idolatrous...
I should go ahead and say it that my music has been God centered in subject matter since I got serious about writing in 2007. I've also been engaged in playing for the church for almost 5 years now. Music has become a tool for me--used to pay homage, and show reverence. Sure, I am still entertained by music, but it's greater purpose, is in an evocation or a worship setting.
So whenever I hear these really good songs that are about someone's lover, I have to ask myself,
"Do you feel that greatly about this person that you would give them such a masterpiece?"
"Is this person really worthy of receiving this great piece?"
"Is there even a person behind these lyrics and emotions, or is it just a scarecrow that 's used to prop up a good melody and hook?"
I believe the worship setting alleviates these types of questions, but I don't think that every song has to be about God or Jesus to be considered good or relevant, but I guess as the years go by I'm more interested in what's important, eternal, and intangible.
Love Songs--and the like--seem to just be a frivolous waste.
<ramble ramble ramble>
"For five years now I have opened the first quarter with a campaign for my music; This year has to be the most busy."
THIS INTANGIBLE EXISTENCE is the words and music of Terrell Brinlee. The project started in 2010 almost mistakenly, "I was renting a room in the Humble area, and I started blogging. I titled the blog This Intangible Existence, and it just stuck from there." The title expresses the idea of the spirit or inner man; the reality of each human's intangible self.
"I've always wanted to be a musician, and a singer/songwriter. I feel like this year is the first time that I actually believe that I am." Since 2012, Terrell has been gathering his musical catalog, recording intimate solo performances of works that he began writing 2007. "Right after high school I got really serious about writing my mantra. I don't feel like I knew exactly what that was at the time, but on this side of it, I feel like I was really being guided to say things I have."
"I met Richard Savercool in 2011, and he really encouraged me to start working towards a more professional high end sound. We worked together for a short time on Campaign One;, and soon after that I started my solo work with Billy Hillman."
Each collection of songs produced annually have their own flavor, their own time stamp, and own narrative. Not all have been original compositions, as with this year. The newest record, That You Are Mindful of Him, will be released in February, and is a distilled and airy interpretation of praise and worship music. "Just because you don't have anything to say, it doesn't mean that you should be saying anything. The majority of my work is Christ-centered, and being a church musician, it's important for me to display this part of my work in my recordings. Aside from the great commission, I have a calling on my life to sing the gospel."
The new record features songs from artists like Aaron Shust, Soweto Gospel Choir, and Keith Green, who has been a big inspiration for Terrell over the past two years. "Keith Green was an innovator in his time, and his music is so wholesome and uncompromising when it comes to talking about Jesus. That kind of boldness is something I would like in my own work."
"I wanted to pick songs that were a bit dated and obscure. Even though I didn't write the music, I wanted it to be perceived that it was original work." But the ending track, "Good Good Father" made popular by Chris Tomlin would give it all away. "The record needed to be a bit recognizable; I want people to sing along. Initially I was going to do "Your Great Name", but after the recording I had to boot it. It was too vocally demanding the way I wanted it presented, and at the end of recording, I knew it was too poor of a performance."
The new record, That You Are Mindful of Him, will be available on February 15 in all major digital outlets including , and will be the fifth studio recording for This Intangible Existence. Be sure to catch Terrell and the rest of the band at WareHouse Live in Houston on March 25, for tickets click here.
I wanted to drop a line, and let everyone know that my EP, Campaign One;, is now available across the internet for download or streaming in most digital music providers.
It features Richard Savercool's awesome edit of "Flamingo Fandango" as well as two other full length tracks he produced in his studio while we were serving a Freedom Family Church in Patton Village. I wanted an opportunity to showcase this work, so I put it together primarily as a promotional piece for Antiquarian Floods. The digital version also includes the updated artwork that is featured in the "listen" tab of my site.
There is a lot of fun wrapped up in this record, and I hope it's enjoyed. For a hard copy of the record see the "buy" tab in the navigation.
I was reminded of this image just the other day.
& how I was enamored with it.
How I held to it's meaning.
How I waiting for it's expectations.
How I was convinced of what I couldn't see.
Now I'm embarrassed by it's place.
Now I'm made ill by my--still--foolish longing for its design.
Now I'm burdened by its magic.
Low was this place in my life.
Low was call I made
Low was where the spirits came from
"The winter here is cold, and bitter; it chills us to the bone..."
New songs emerge ready for the studio.
My thoughts are a bit bleak this Winter. It's easy to say that I'm not as destroyed as I was two years ago, or even just a year ago. It's clear though that the winter sun--or lack there of--takes it's toll on my body. Earlier this year I had received prayer of healing from depression. It was seemingly effective. What has become so disheartening of this season is that I find myself depressed. Friends made it clear to me that even though Lazarus was brought back from the dead, he was still subject to death. That's unless he's still alive somewhere, and we don't know it; I'm sure that's not the case.
This year I'm sober, and have dealt with all of this in sound mind. The music is still to come in January. I have been most lazy in rehearsing for the studio. The track list is strange; I've never gone in with this kind of plan or itinerary. Initially I was going to do a complete worship album, but as the time carried on, some new songs emerged. These songs had never existed before, and weren't part of my stock pile or the things in my slow cooker. Through dreams and petitions they arose. I knew that I would need to take them to the studio, so that they were down before die.
In the slow cooker, waiting to be revealed.
I've had an impending since of doom lately, and an urge to "handle my business". So, this year will be a studio year of utility. I'll be recording the originals that have made themselves prevalent, as well as the worship set that I gathered. Most importantly, I will be recording some scratch work of the things in the slow cooker. This will be so I can go over them through out the year, and determine what is trying to be said through them. This is a first for me at the studio.
This fleeting reality.
Worst of all of these things is the death of my brother, and my non response. Maybe I'm subconsciously dealing with it? I'm not I'm angry about it more than anything. I'm angry that he couldn't maintain relationships. I'm angry that the people that have inherited his legacy are irrelevant to my grieving process. I'm angry that he's dead, and we last left each other with such a petty argument. I'm angry. I'm not sad. I'm angry that I've been dealt this card of response.
I'm mad because of this fleet reality. People can be so important, and hold major rolls in the influence of ones life. They are aloud to participate or not. All too often we choose to keep ourselves separated and isolated from those who need us.
One day we're just gone, though. Never to be spoken to; never to be reconciled to our role. We become that vapor, and we're carried off by the wind. No goodbyes. No apologies. No recovery.
"Explosions, on the day you wake up needing somebody, and you've learned: It's ok to be afraid, but it will never be the same."
I was at the shell gas station across the street from Beckwith's. I was facing Beckwith's, and some sort of explosion happened behind me. There were these large animals--as big as buildings. They were destroying things.
One of the beasts passed over me, and broke the glass out of my car. A blue light came on the dash board that I'd never seen that said "Return" along with a symbol. My vehicle would barely drive at this point. There was no power upon acceleration.
I ended up getting my vehicle across the street, and the animals had passed. Many people were coming to Beckwith's with there cars with the same light on their dash boards. It was a signal sent out by the government that caused the problem to occur. Only the manufacturer could fix the problem.
--- Jump Scene
I'm in a movie theater. With Lynn and her Mom. I'm drinking during the film: Jack and Coke. I offer drinks to Lynn's who then gives them to her mom.
I've been dieting now for a week. Part of me really wanted to just lose some weight; the other part of me wamtef to see my abs. Regardless of what diet I'm doing, it's just that, a diet. I'm hungry--all the time, and in trying to be mature about it; however, I'm getting really emotional over the fact that it's $0.50 corndog day at Sonic, and I don't get to participate.
Let's define terms: I'm not over weight, at all. In fact, by looking at me you would think I could stand to gain a few; but I'm no Abercrombie model either. "Then why?"
I have to be straight up honest with myself (and the internet)---I have an image complex.
I see myself, and don't like what I see.
To go further, I ha e a food addiction that has become inflamed since I quit smoking cigarettes almost five months ago.
I have a major problem on my gands, that has a deep root in my heart. Being aware of the throne I have given addiction before, I may have stumble upon an elitist that has been lurking in the shadows, secretly pulling strings.